Here I sit, drinking once again, pondering my life thus far. I wonder so many things, and think about so much more these days. I sometimes worry I'll be left alone...and be that way for the rest of my life. I miss people and friends I've lost. There's one in particular that I miss so much...I think about her every day, and yet I haven't seen her in 5 years. I constantly wonder about where she could be, or what she could be doing. I know it most likely isn't healthy thinking abut her as much as I do...I just miss her so much. I don't know where I can find her, but I would love nothing more than to just sit down and talk with her once again, let her know everything that was going on in my mind at the time. Yes, she was an ex, and I had, imho, foolishly ended the relationship...and now here I wait, for someone to match her...perhaps even more so, I may be waiting for her...something that will most likely never happen.

I also wonder about work...and why I stay there when it seems as though I am unappreciated, at least as far as pay rates go. I'm not worth much to them, yet I keep trying. I know I am waiting until my dental work is done before I may change jobs...but now I worry about other things job related, because I am moving soon...by myself, no back-up, no roomie. I feel as though I will be stuck at my work for a long time yet. I hate that thought...I loathe the fact that I have to work at a place like that. I mean, it's not difficult, I can listen to my own music, as loud as I want...I'm not really bothered that often...I think the main thing is just the lack of pay according the the length of time I've been there...starting wage now is $9.50...after almost 2 and a half years, I am at $9.65. Does that really show appreciation? Respect? I didn't think so...

The move has me a bit worried at times as well. It will be good for me, but I'm praying that I don't fail...praying to who? I'm not sure yet. I have most of the things I'll need/want for my new place, just have to find the place to put it in now. I still would like to get a double bed, weight bench, dart board or table game, and a few other little tidbits...perhaps upgrade the tv to a bigger screen size. I just hope the move brings in some positive change. I plan on working out, and having wheatgrass, and the like, for a healthier addition to my diet. I also hope to eliminate coke from my drinking habits...well, aside from mix for rum and the like. I also plan on having more pasta/rice, and chicken, and from that, also plan on playing around with cooking.

My uppers will hopefully be done by the middle of september (upper denture...), so I may actually have some teeth. The bottoms will have to be decided soon after that...hopefully I can get them done this year, but I kinda doubt it. This is yet another thing that plagues my mind. I feel that's something everybody sees, and turns away from. I probably would too...but I wish some people would just see past that, and be a bit more open to me, and see that I am a truly caring person, who would do anything for those I love. But that tends to be the kind of world we live in...judgemental. We all seem to suck for some reason or another, be it race, looks, intellect, tastes...anything. All of us...aside from the "beautiful" people. Bah!

I'm crossing my fingers, in hopes that I make it through this next phase. After I get my teeth, maybe I'll feel a bit more confident, and then when I get settled into my own place, maybe that'll add a bit more. I'll be able to have people over for whatever, whenever. I'll have a bit more freedom. Perhaps she'll show up in my life again...or maybe even someone like her. Either way, only time will tell, but this year my life changes in a big way...